Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Jew & Her Goy Boy Part II: What's Jew Got To Do With It?


Don't you just love this movie?

My Big Fat Greek Wedding has always reminded me of Brian and I. You take a guy from a WASP-y mild-mannered, conservative family who falls in love with a girl from a family of loud and crazy Greeks/Jews (po-tay-toe, po-tah-toe), and what do you get?

Well, according to a lot of people: A whole lot of complicated. In fact, that's what many of my close family and friends said when Brian and I first started to get serious. I even wrote about it a few years ago in a relationship column I had in the college newspaper - The Jew and Her Goy Boy (hence, why my post is a Part II).

It's never been a secret that my parents were concerned about me being with someone who wasn't Jewish. Their reservations had nothing to do with Brian, and everything to do with what they were taught to believe.

And it is my understanding that they were taught that relationships are easier when both people practice the same religion, especially when it comes time to raise their children. Now, I don't think that argument is unsound, in fact, it has worked out just great for my parents. They're both Jewish, and they've been very happily married for almost 35 years (their anniversary is 2 days after our wedding).

I just think that their argument doesn't apply to everyone.

It applies to people like the friends of mine who largely define themselves by their faith and who have decided to live their life guided by the principles and practices of their religion.

For them, I think that marrying outside of their religion would definitely complicate things, and I can understand why they choose to only date people who either practice the same religion that they do, or who are willing to convert.

For me, it's different.

I'm proud of where I came from, I'm proud to be Jewish, and I'm proud to celebrate the Jewish holidays and honor the Jewish traditions I grew up with.

But, for me, being a Jew is how I define myself culturally, not religiously.

It may be a common characteristic of my generation, but I don't subscribe to any religion.

I believe in God and I believe in Good. I believe in being loved and giving love, and I believe in always being curious and thoughtful, and not accepting or applying truths to things that I believe are impossible to prove.

And Brian and I have found, through many conversations over our 6 years, that we have come to believe the same thing.

We found a shared understanding that religion never would, and never will, play a significant role in our lives as individuals, as a couple, and later on, as a family.

And when it comes time to raise those future children of ours, we will raise them to be as fascinated by and as skeptical of religion as we are, celebrating Christmas and Easter with Brian's side of the family, and Chanukah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur with my side of the family. Wholeheartedly embracing the traditions, but always questioning the meaning behind them.

So, back to how this applies to our wedding...well, really it has everything to do with our wedding.

Because of our beliefs (or lackthereof), it doesn't feel right to either of us to have a religious ceremony - Jewish or otherwise. We want a ceremony that is deep and meaningful, that speaks to us as a couple and the life we share.

It's also been important to me to have an officiant who actually knows us. I've been to weddings where the officiant was given a script of stories to tell about the couple, from the couple. Well, I want someone who can go off book, who doesn't even need a book because they've been there the whole time - watching us, our relationship, and our love grow.

And who better suited to do that than my father?

He actually suggested it when I was bouncing off ideas of possible officiants. He was just joking about it at first, but I wasn't.

I mean what better validation can I get, and what more meaningful sign of approval can Brian have than my dad agreeing to perform the ceremony?

I couldn't be more thrilled.

We'll incorporate some of the Jewish traditions, like breaking the glass and the Hava Nagila, but not because of their religious implications. They just make me smile, and Brian, mensch that he is, embraces those fun Jewish traditions as much as I do.

So, now that my spiel has come to a close, I want to open this one up to the crowd. How do you feel about interfaith marriage? I know many of you have strong opinions about this topic - so speak now or forever hold your peace.

:)










4 comments:

  1. Well Jana,
    I got a real pleasure in reading this blog. As you know you are going through everything I have been through over the past 27 years, having married out of my religion. And you are right it's not about religion, it's more about traditions and holding on to them. If you are both dedicated to sharing each others traditions you should be fine. You should both know at this point what to expect.
    However, let me say, when the babies come, certain things come up. It must be between you and your husband, not the in laws or the parents. That can be tough, but hold on to what you and Brian decided on. That part for me was crucial and it was a tough part of my married life to get through. But we did.
    So, both of you -maztov!!
    Love you!!
    Gail

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    1. Thank you for the words of wisdom and experience, Gail - I will certainly take what you said to heart - I love learning more about you and your own opinion on the topic. :)

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  2. Jana,
    First of all I hope you know that I have always loved everything I have ever read from you and this is no exception. I look forward to reading your first novel as you are truly gifted and always bring a smile to my face no matter what you write about. I really feel privileged that I even know you especially knowing the person you are. I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote than if I had written it myself (only it wouldn’t have sounded so eloquent). I believe that inter-faith and inter-racial marriages are the epitome of inclusion, which I am passionate about.
    Although I married Cheryl it didn’t have anything to do with religion, culture maybe but certainly not religion. Like you, I too embrace my culture but I am an agnostic that believes in love and helping others and we too celebrate all the fun holidays as you named.
    Oaky, now having stated the above I do have some additional thoughts I would like to share with you. I think that what I’m about to write comes from the perspective of my generation and the fact that I had a detachment disorder ever since I can remember. In all fairness I must tell you that I have suffered from a mental illness, bipolar and post traumatic stress disorder, which is now clear that I had from early childhood.
    Even though I felt different and disconnected from my peers I did have a sense of community in being Jewish. It was probably the only thing I felt I had in common with a lot of my friends. Although people and families, in some degree, still live somewhat segregated lives in pockets of their communities it is not as prevalent as when I was growing up. We lived amongst mostly Jewish families; we went to school with large populations of Jewish kids, etc.
    Both Mike and Elyse had some degree of a Jewish education but never really embraced Judaism either culturally or religiously (maybe Elyse does to a certain extent and certainly, in my opinion, more than Mike). Because of our volunteering our home was always a United Nations. Cheryl and I also became God Parents to some kids from El Salvador way back when. We can probably count more non-Jewish friends than Jewish friends. As you know Elyse has an inter-racial marriage that Cheryl and I couldn’t be more supportive of and Mike’s girlfriend is not Jewish either. Elyse and Alan do not particularly identify with any religion or culture and they too celebrate most holidays. We even sent Mike to Catholic School for 7 years.
    In hindsight I am glad I had a community that I felt attached to even if it wasn’t totally inclusive. So, what am I trying to say? I guess that it is my opinion that as humans we need a foundation and something to feel connected with. But does it have to be cultural or religious? I don’t think so.
    A lot of our friends have children who have married or are partnered with others outside of their cultural/religious community but I think it is too early to see how or what community our children’s children will or can identify with because I think most of your generation were more influenced by our generation. I anxiously and optimistically wait to see what your children’s generation will become. Maybe and hopefully your children’s generation will be able to connect and identify with a community of people who are simply non-judgmental, empathetic, and accepting of all.
    In any case please know that I support your decisions as I know that they come from love and acceptance. I am also thrilled that your Dad will be officiating your ceremony. I’m not sure you know that I did officiate Elyse and Alan’s marriage. I was somewhat disappointed that they didn’t want a party. But each to their own.
    Well, thanks for making this public and allowing but-in-skies like me to weigh in.
    Love you always,
    Jeff

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    1. Wow, Jeffrey Fox - what a response! I enjoyed reading about your own experience and opinions about this interesting topic - I really do love hearing what everyone else has to say and am glad this post can allow people to kind of ruminate on the subject themselves. :)

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